Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Randomize
