glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
