boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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