I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
