I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
Randomize
