I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
