Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
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