So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
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