The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize