Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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