flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
