i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
