I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Randomize
