i just sent this text using only my big toe
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
FUCK WHALES
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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