a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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