nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
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