If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
Randomize
