I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
you didnt know i had herpes?
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Is This New Dating App Elitist…Or Genius?
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again