Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.