i woke up with socks on this morning
i didnt wear socks last night
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.