I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately