She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
