im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
