I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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