I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Randomize
