if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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