You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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