I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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