Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
