I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
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One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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