dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
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