You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
