the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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