Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Randomize
