they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Blood and glitter go together right?
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
