I met the friendliest cop last night
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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