If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
