break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
So much rum. So many feels.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Randomize
