I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Randomize
