The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Randomize
