new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Randomize
