my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
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