I want to stick my p in your. b.
I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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