Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
