Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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