i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
