Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Randomize
