1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Randomize
