Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
