So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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