btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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