its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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