Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
