Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
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Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
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PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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