You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
