I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
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