I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
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