I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Randomize
