someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
