I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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