i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
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