where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Randomize
